fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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