Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
she looked like the before picture.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
