I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
