I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
How external is "for external use only"?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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