We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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