why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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