I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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