I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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