I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
