I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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