New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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