apparently the secret to your success is patron
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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