Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
