I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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