ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
