I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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