Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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