I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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