i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
