saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
