so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
