shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
