Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
