Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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