I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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