I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
