The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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