I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
