Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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