I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize