I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
