Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
we're so committed to being not committed
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
