3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
