this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
