I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize