my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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