life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
