i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
