if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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