i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
