In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the room spins SO much faster in panama
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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