Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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