his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
