just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He kissed a someone with a penis
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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