if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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