5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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