I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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