The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
