Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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