sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
