Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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