The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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