Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
