My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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