just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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