So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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