WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
