I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
